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Bali Bagus

Bali is bagus. If you dont already know, bagus is Balinese for “good†and its one of the first words I learned there. Some other cool words I learned on my adventure were “teramakasi,†which means “thank you,†and “chelat langkong,†which means, “crooked penis.†By the way its pronounced bag-ooose, not bag-us, like some Irish food or something. Anyways, if you think learning weird phrases is kinda strange then you have never been to Bali.

Bali is the only island in Indonesia that is populated mostly by Hindus. Muslims overwhelmingly populate the rest of Indonesia. That is probably the main reason why Bali in particular is so cool and weird. Instead of having one main god or even a couple for that matter, the Hindus believe in something like three hundred different gods. They are very good stone carvers so they build all these gigantic statues for their three hundred gods all over the island. Its a bit intimidating at first when you step off the plane and there are five different giant half-dragon half-man statues that all have different weapons surrounding you. If that isnt a bit unsettling then the giant yellow “Death to Drug Traffickers†sign at customs will definitely get your palms sweating. Hindus DO NOT like drugs, except for magic mushrooms, which you can buy at almost any restaurant or bar over there. Weird, right? Some other weird facts about the culture there is that they believe in ghosts, file their teeth flat, think monkeys are gods, and when someone in their village dies they carry that persons body in a coffin down to the beach and light it on fire. So now that you kinda understand how strange this place is we can begin our tale.

The first couple days in this crazy place were awesome. My companions on this journey were my friend kai, filmer Scott, photographer and professional sleeper Damea, and Bali legend Tai. The waves were good so we got to surf our little hearts out and it was sick. We were staying in a really cool villa that had our own private pool, so the setup was epic. We would surf then come back and have a pool party and bbq. It was amazing. We met up with all sorts of different travelers from all over the world who would come to our pool parties and that was really cool too. We were determined to do as much crazy stuff as possible that you could only do in Bali during our trip. After much intense research we nailed it down to a few choice activities. Those activities were: drinking snakes blood, attending a cockfight, and riding off a bungee tower strapped to a motorbike. So now we had our to-do list and we were locked and loaded.

Snakes blood is disgusting. I dont recommend anyone ever drink that shit, ever. We went to a place called “kobra palace†that specialized in snake blood and bile cocktails. The first thing you see when you walk in is a bunch of purses and belts made out of snakes. Kinda cool till you realize those are all snakes that people drank the blood out of. Then they give you a menu and take you to the back room where all the snakes are. A guy wearing no protection gear comes out and starts pulling king cobras out of a box like they are baby kittens or something. Then you pick out what kind of cocktail you want. We went for a combination of three: cobra, python, and something they called “aggressive snake.†So then the guy just picks up the snakes and lops their heads off with a knife. Then he starts draining the blood in to a bowl. By this point we are all thinking about leaving and barfing at the same time. So they take us out to an area with tables and chairs and what not and then pull out some weird organ that was in the snake and drain it into the bowl as well. Right on. Then they put a shot of vodka in just for good measure. I ask for a chaser and they laugh at me. So then we did it. We drank snakes blood, mixed with vodka. It was every bit as disgusting as you would imagine it and I will never do it again, ever. Mission accomplished.

The next item on our list is the cockfight. Now let me just say I dont endorse this crap at all and its not something I believe in or approve of. Cockfighting in Indonesia is like a national sport. Going to a cockfight there is literally the equivalent of going to a baseball game here at home. There are special stadiums for it and they are EVERYWHERE. For those of you who dont know a cockfight is a fight between two roosters, not two naked guys. So we talk to a local cockfighter and he tells us that not only can we watch and bet but he will sell us a rooster. So we figured hey “when in Rome†right? Right. We get our rooster and we go to the arena. There is a bunch of local Bali dudes there and they are very excited that we are going to cockfight. So they tie a four-inch blade on to our roosters foot and do the same with the opponent. Gnarly. Then they put them on the ground and let them peck at one another to get them pissed off. They were already pretty pissed so I didnt see the point of that. All the sudden they let go of the roosters and they start jumping all over each other. I cant tell what was happening but there was a lot of wing flapping going on. Anyways all the sudden they back away from each other and ours falls down, dead as a doornail. All the Bali dudes were laughing at us but I was just bummed for our rooster. He was cool for the twenty minutes that I knew him. I asked what they were gonna do with him and they told me that the guy who owned the other rooster was gonna take him home and bbq him. So thats good that they use them for food. It was gnarly to see that happen and Im glad they ate our rooster after the fact but I think Im retiring from cockfighting permanently.

The last item on the list is by far the scariest for me because Im the only one doing it. At one of the nightclubs in Bali there is a 250-foot high bungee tower. This is the only bungee tower in the world that you can ride a motorbike off of. I had to do it. We showed up on the last day of our trip and I walked up to the counter and told them that Id like to ride a motorbike off the tower. They then proceeded to tell me that in order to that I have to first do three different types of bungee jumps to get to that point…fuck. I had to do it though! Its the only one in the world you could do that at! I quickly drank a bintang and said ok lady Ill do it. The first one was the standard jump with the bungee strapped to my ankles. I got up to the top of the bungee tower and nearly shit my pants. The people below looked like ants! They tied my ankles up and then told me to do a swan dive, I dont even think I said anything back I probably just made some weird noise. I got to the ledge and they counted down and I jumped and the only thing I could think to do was yell ffffffuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk! The whole way down. I dont know why. Once the bungee kicked in and was on my way back up I was giggling like a little girl. One down three to go. The next was the harness jump. That is where you are strapped to your stomach and you can do flips. I already felt like a pro from the adrenaline rush so I went for it. I did a triple front flip and then got even more of a rush off that. Now it got weird. The next jump was the bicycle jump. In this one you are strapped to a bicycle and you ride it straight off the edge. The hard part was that you have to actually pedal yourself off the edge. Its a narrow runway and you cant be crashing in to stuff. My problem was that every pedal I took my knees were buckling as if my body was saying, “dont do this dumbass!†So I rode off the edge a bit weird and leaning foreword too much and ended up doing a front flip on the bike! Im pretty sure I yelled some more obscenities on the way down that time as well. So now it was the big one, the motorbike. After my bicycle episode I felt invincible so I was stoked to be doing this. I pounded a beer and got on the elevator up to the top with the motorbike. Once I got up I saw that not only do you get to ride this thing off the edge, they even set up a launch ramp for you! Sicky! I got strapped in and the guy told me to hold the throttle all the way down and hold the brake at the same time. So I did. He gave me the go ahead and I let go of that brake and flew off that tower like a rabid spider monkey! It was epic. It was like when you stand on the edge of some super high cliff and think, “what if I rode my bike or drove my car off this?†Well I did, and it was awesome! I think everyone should ride a motorbike off a bungee tower at least once in his or her lives. Its just as fun as you imagine it.

So that was it. We accomplished all our goals. We even managed to spear a few fish in between these epic tales you just read. This was the best trip Ive ever taken to Bali and I cant wait to go back next year. By that time we will have a whole new checklist and I already know that eating monkey brains is on it! My comrade Scott will be making videos of our escapades you just read about so I will post them as they come out. Stay tuned for more of my epic tales from around the globe!! Chelat langkong!!!!

cmags